Last week, I wrote about an insane bible study lead by my church’s new pastor. As it turns out, this guy is a pot of gold when it comes to blog content. Having moved home for the summer yesterday, I’m in for quite a few more bible studies from him, and in terms of ridiculousness, today’s did not disappoint.
For a few years, I’ve been in the habit of taking notes during sermons and bible studies at church, simply out of sheer amazement of the unbelievable things that are often said. I probably get more extensive and whacky notes out of this new pastor than I have from anyone before. He is very animated and excited when preaching, and though he believes that what he teaches is nonfictional, it seems that he is a fan of exaggeration and fantastical stories. So without further ado, here is my unabridged documentation of my time spent in this week’s bible study. The topic was the Fall, Adam and Eve, and the serpent in the garden of Eden, and almost everything in these notes is a direct quote from this man. Any of my own thoughts from my notes will be put in italics. Anything added to explain what I’m talking about has been put in parenthesis.
- Only God can make promises
- Think about the fruit in Mary’s womb (Mary the mother of Jesus)
- There is a plane flying through the church (in reference to his mic malfunctioning and making a weird noise)
- “Believe” is a better word to use than “accept”
- Fruit of the loom, more like fruit of the womb, am I right?
- How is eating bread for your whole life a punishment!? (in reference to Genesis 3:19 where God punishes them by forcing them to eat bread for their entire lives… but I love bread and would be totally cool with that)
- The natural environment is designed to kill us because of the fall and because we are sinners; we can quickly die if it is too hot or too cold, but before the fall, everything was the perfect temperature so Adam and Eve didn’t even need clothing
- Imagine baby powder everywhere (I think he is referring to the dust of the earth?)
- Death is unnatural and not what God intended when he created us
- Snakes eat dust
- If your head is down, then your butt is up in the air, which was offensive in the ancient Middle East, which is how God shames the serpent
- Lucifer fell to sin because he became arrogant and wanted to be his own god
- (question from the audience) Did Satan take the form of the snake or was he working through the snake? Do you know how much more people could get done if we didn’t take precious time out of our lives to ask stupid questions like this?
- I’m gonna make you suck on dust (referring to what God says to Satan)
- Satan looked like a Chinese dragon–ugly
- Job was friends with dinosaurs–the writers are not dumb people, and they know what they are talking about!
- There are dragons in Revelation. That is probably the least weird thing in that whole book though…
- Satan is perhaps a dragon whose tail swept a third of the stars out of heaven
- Angels are jealous of us because we were made in the image of God and they were not; perhaps because they have two pairs of wings and three animal faces on their heads? (he described angels as looking this way in bible class last week)
- We don’t have free will–all that we will for is sin
- Adam and Eve had free will
- You don’t want to force someone to love you–you wouldn’t hold a gun to someone’s head and say “Love me or I’m going to shoot you” (…..right…..)
- Skiinnnnnn……. (referring to Adam and Eve’s use of animal skin as clothing)
- You clothes can get blown off of you in weird situations
- The image I’m showing you is fictitious: it is NOT from the Bible!
- Adam is a cracked brick mould
- Your sinful nature gets passed down to you from your father, which is why Jesus was perfect: his father was God
- Men and women must depend on each other
- Men think “Now I have to come out of a woman!? Why can’t I spring from the ground!?” (referring to childbirth)
- Women are sons (not daughters) of God, because we are in Christ, the Son of God
- Mary and Elizabeth are LITERALLY bringing forth salvation from their wombs! No other woman can say that. See, this ties into Mother’s Day!
I promise you that everything I listed there (other than what is in italics and parenthesis) is a direct quote or a paraphrase of a direct quote from my pastor. I know that the LCMS church believes some weird things, but I was almost convinced that he was just making this up as he goes, but I asked my mom, and she said that since he’s an ordained LCMS pastor, what he says is doctrinally sound.
In other news… don’t forget to follow me on Twitter for even more stories of my weird experiences from my church as well as my Christian family and school!
I hope you have enjoyed my 25th blog post, and happy Mother’s Day! 🙂